I know I haven’t written in a very long time. So much has happened and there was a lot that I think I had to go through on my own for a while. Things have been good though, spirits are high and the health is following. I did have a few scares recently but as always it has been balanced with many blessings. It is funny how life is such a journey of exploration and discovery. I feel this year alone I got to really learn a lot about myself, as a women of God, wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend. I had to really look back and reflect on my now almost 3 year life with kidney failure. As much as I was just coping with life and the responsibilities that came my way I was dealing with a sickness that continued to plague my body, mind and spirit.
I ended the year with a heart-break and a hospitalization. I have peritonitis which is an infection in my peritoneal membrane which is the stomach lining that acts as a filter for my PD home treatments.
Let me tell you it was the worse pain ever. Worse than labor! I quenched with each squeamish pain and had to bear with it for several hours until I made it to the emergency room. I spent one week in the hospital. I had to receive 2 blood transfusions and a dose of antibiotic treatments. God heard my cries! He gave me the miracle of recovery! The first couple days I was in and out in an out of cautous state. We didn’t know what was wrong with me at first and we were all scared. I had my mom and sister come for LA and my dad from Las Vegas. It was really scary for everyone but I had to not worry and just know that I was in God’s hands. I told God from that moment on things needed to really change. As much as I spoken to God these past couple years. The time during this specific hospitalization brought so much enlightenment and healing within. I had to take the time to stop worrying about anything but to really focus on the miracle of recovery.
With every little inch of me the littlest things became big achievements. To speak, to eat, to listen and to feel.. I had the presence of the Holy Spirit so strong that I got enough strength to say I’m going to get out of this hospital, I’m going to recover. I started to proclaim life again. I knew that something changed drastically within me. I knew I needed to fight to continue to have this spirit thrive within me. What’s funny is before this hospitalization I had this revelation. “In our trouble God had comforted us – and this, too, to help you: to show you from our personal experience how God will tenderly comfort you when you undergo these same sufferings. He will give you the strength to endure.” 2 Corinthians 1:6-7 TLB.
All this was for me was a confirmation and a I needed a true will to do it. Life at this point was something I could no longer take advantage of. You must probably think wow didn’t you know this before and I did. What I didn’t realize is that I resorted into some old coping methods. Blocking out the hurts and the pain of being sick by trying my hardest to live to the fullest as if there was no tomorrow. But what faith did that show in me if I was living this way. I never really realized that I had it all backwards. I had such an amazing God who has shown me countless miracles in my life yet I couldn’t follow Him in this area. So I knew it was time to truly stay committed and let go! It has set me free. So I started the New Year with a new mind set, restored heart and started to really take things moment by moment. “He restores my soul; He guides me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” Psalm 23:3.
I thanked the Lord for everything because he made me worthy of these blessings! Things just started to move along for me. I guess for a while I may have sat dormant even though I tried by hardest to stay busy in a way that would run myself ragged. It is funny all that you can see when you take that time to feel and experience things as they come. At first it was hard to look at and to really feel the pain but after it was a joyful relief. Like the calm after the storm. “Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:4. I now have the fire in me again for change. I realize God has given me this amazing gift and I took it as a curse, an unanswered prayer, hurt, pain.. But I know it’s life, it’s patience, it’s love, it’s endurance, it’s joy and it’s freedom!
So I think I finally got it and understood my purpose to this fight. It is important for me to continue to fight! I can’t let it be short-lived. It is something I have to vow to do in my lifetime. This is why I wanted to take the time to make sure I was truly acting in my pursuit before I even wrote. Because I can talk a lot but I needed to put things in action. So my prayer life increased. I started to have a good confession! I’ve found some great ministries that are holding me accountable to my promise. Daniel and I are letting God take us to places we were only able to imagine. My new regimen in staying in the Holy Spirit has brought me tremendous peace along with bringing my household this peace!
Things are bouncing off me and I learned to truly cast my Burdens. I even learned the meaning of casting… “Humble Yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 4:7-7. God is literally taking my burdens and I no longer am carrying any heavy weight. God will push and heave and take it away because he cares! I stopped focusing on what I needed to do and just started doing. It is crazy what happens when you start doing.
Than he sends me an angel, Christy. She had called me out of the blue and told me she was coming to California for business and she’ll get the first part of the testing done. Here I wasn’t even in full contact other than emails. I was even backing off because I became discouraged of what we had to go through with UC Davis. Put it this way I have been discouraged with dealing with the medical system period. Than I started to rationalize telling myself it is better that I just wait for a cadaver transplant and just basically settle. When I had Christy so ready and willing to help me. She is the main person who set up the appointments. She wrote a strong letter stating that UC Davis promised an appointment and they made a way. Christy is truly God’s angels! I’m telling you her spirit is contagious because that fire again within was bursting and I knew I had God’s favor at hand and there was no doubt of what His will for me and Christy. Here I had Christy who never gave up on trying to get tested. So we had the date scheduled and I picked her up in Marin at her good friend, Joy’s house. My mom came down for support and we drove up to Sacramento for the testing. During that drive we talked the whole time. I wanted to share so much because I want her to know me for the good and the bad. I got to know her too a little more and just realized she truly is an amazing person! I admired that she is a person that is very compassionate about people. It is a true Christ like characteristic. “Remember those who led you, who spoke the word of God to you; and considering the result of their conduct, imitate their faith.” Hebrews 13:7.
Well I talked her ear out because I want her to know the life that she wants to save. I was so comfortable in telling her everything and she was very accepting of me. Even though I knew for some they would probably second guess their decision. But not Christy.. We are able to connect in a level that is beyond this world. We know God truly brought us together for a reason. She passed her psychological/social work test; this is the main test UC Davis wanted from her before we even proceeded. She will be getting the rest of her testing done in Ohio at the Cleveland Clinic. I will keep you updated!
I have a strong discernment that something is happening! A miracle will take place for all to witness. I truly believe in this process and no time was ever lost and there are no regrets. God truly prunes us in our walk and in our lives. My situation is no different from you all except with an extra cherry topping health obstacle. We have to hurt a little, love a little and may even lose a little.. “Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth” The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind. But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create…” Isaiah 65: 17-18. Trust me it is worth going through the motions of it all and understanding that we have no control. I know he destined for my purpose to be glorified in His name! Be it I wake up one day completely healed, a transplant, or just the miracle of living each day and speaking for His behalf. No expectations other than His will! I will be specific in my prayers but if God has other plans I no longer question this. I thought I had to get on some certain level to be there in my spiritual walk or to even have this understanding but the level is when you start doing and acting in His ways. The bible opens up so much! As I read the more and more I understand how little my situation is in God’s eyes. There is a bigger picture at hand and not even we can grasp God’s bigger picture for our lives. “Have faith in God,” Jesus answered. I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, Go, throw yourself into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”Mark 11:22-24 This scripture is an important to know in trusting God with everything. I know it is hard but nothing is impossible and when it comes down to it is just a simple choice.
You will see I can no longer speak for myself because I am nothing without his grace. This gift is what I offer of myself! It is a testimony that I must share. So the story continues and please continue to keep the faith within. God is doing marvelous things in all of our lives and I am just a little fragment to testify that even in the darkest situations God is very powerful and his love is unconditional! The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever.” Psalm 138:8