I can’t believe I’m 32 years old & just feeling this new season coming where I will start sharing much bolder and sharing God’s goodness. I have a confession that I need to make about what I been fighting all along. This goes with the fight. I finally figured it out but better late than never and it starts here.
I had a lot of time to think about life and all the things I’ve gone through. The continuous healing God has provided but I’m so ready to just be finally stable for a while. I have been quiet about my full story meaning my rebellious day. God has clearly prompted me to stop hiding this because of the encouragement it can give to someone. It also explains my passion to serve in youth ministry and be there for my nephews and nieces. It’s now that time to free myself completely. The truth is I didn’t know how simple it was to truly forgive. I had some serious revelation that I had to come to terms with. I thought it was enough to show it in action but there is something internal that is more expressive when it comes to matters of the heart.
Moving to Sacramento is what I call a” God thing” when things start to align. We moved into this beautiful home that was perfect for healing and it offered good space to share with my mom and brother. I also started getting better health care. I had to learn to live with my mom after many years not living together. I realized it was time to really make the amends with my mom which I thought I did many times before. It wasn’t enough to go to bible studies and go to church. Outside of this we needed to build our mother/daughter relationship. However, there were many complexities to the hurt from my mom that I didn’t realize but only time could reveal.
I realized that there was still anger that was more apparent in the way we handled some matters in our household. It reminds me how I became rebellious as a youth. I did what I wanted to do for a very long time. Partying and my recreational drug use. Thank God at the age 15 years old I quit the heavy stuff. However, there was a choice of drug I sure couldn’t quit and that was my love for Maryjane “marijuana”. This led on for a long time into adult hood. Thank God completely healed me when I went through with my dialysis days and started Celebrate Recovery.
Though I quit completely and life continued, having babies, getting married, going to college etc… and I went through the first steps of Celebrate Recovery I started to heal internally. I was so on fire for the Lord. My worship was from the time I woke and the time I slept. I had a song of praise always in my heart. I thought I was free but I still did carry a deep hurt that came out in actions. Sharing a home is never easy and communication at times were very difficult. I lacked focus and would be so frustrated at times that I just couldn’t do it all. I had this continuous pattern to fulfill a need. Which reminded me so much of my youth days.
Which was so big for my testimony. I was too afraid of the judgement made and people thinking this is what I wanted for myself. I know I was partly responsible for my health now. It’s how I’m so passionate to telling the youth to stay away from drugs and to make good choices. How even as an as adult I still carried reckless behaviors that followed me from my youth days. Being with my mom was a constant reminder of that rebellion. Subconsciously I acted in the form of codependency and kept going and going. Being so busy with so many activities for every day of the week. Even in my disability I never wanted it to stop me.
Well it’s just time to start getting straight up honest because I’m tired of going around a circle with no results. I still obviously had hurt from my mom because I realized I never overcame the affection I needed from her. Even through I went through the steps I didn’t know how to truly love someone with affection. Here I am volunteering and serving in recovery. I didn’t really want to work on this particular issue.
The thing that is an important part of my testimony is that God saved me from a life of addiction after addiction. I was an out of control child than teenager and now a codependant adult. I didn’t know how to put myself first and because of that my family suffers. I was trying to work for my healing. Doing all the good I can. I couldn’t just sit around and wait for things to happen I had to make it happen. It feels shameful but its a pattern I know I must come to terms with. It’s a character flaw something that can be worked on with the awareness of it. With this past sickness I knew there were more major changes God wanted to reveal to me.
I never really knew exactly the day I was saved. In Christian faith that means asking Jesus into your heart. I do know I recited the savior’s prayer many times at church. This has been my saving grace for as long as I could remember. I have made many compromises but finally in a place that it just ain’t happening. In my adult years I know the struggles continued as my health deteriorated. I was too young to be sick. I still wanted the freedom of being in my young twenties and I continued to still do things my way without knowing it. There was this void and I never knew what that void was. Now I can see it was obviously God. Even though I walked in faith there were still areas of myself I didn’t want to let go of.
Just in this week I finally felt me and my mom had a heart to heart. It probably was one of the biggest hurdle I had to conquer. I realized my heart was still callous over the many years of anger and resentment. However, I had my part that I needed to come to terms with. For the first time I heard my mom out and she heard me out and we embraced each other with tears in our eyes. I know we can finally just put the past behind us.
I never let go of how frustrated I would feel with the lack of discipline they gave me and my brother. Also, the expectation of being disciplined without anyone taking the time to teach us simple good habits. I had such bad habits that followed me and honestly been so comfortable with it. It’s just time to change and be comfortable with new and better habits. This forgiveness pushes me even more. I love my mom and in the past 3 years that we lived together our relationship has only strengthened. So if you think that you have a relationship that is not repairable. Trust me keep acting in faith because God will work on the heart issue if you are ready to let him. It can take some time but if you keep at it breakthrough will come!
I had my uncle bring a big reminder of my rebellious days. Albums I didn’t see in a long time. It made me really see how far I have come. How there was some guilt on my part of the reckless life I lived. I think even as I received my gift of life there still was a part of me deep down that felt so unworthy to receive it. However, God is really working on me because he has provided this miracle with my obedience. I literally received my gift of life after full fulling my steps & doing a church wide fast.
There was apart of me that still felt that part of my past didn’t fit my kidney story but it totally does. It is apart of me, who I am and my testimony. God will use it; he uses it all. It all can be used to tell my story. Something that is important that my family and the world will always have. A transparent as real as it gets me. Flaws and all.
My 32nd birthday was quite rough. My mom prepared a nice dinner including all my favorite stuff. My father in law was also there to celebrate. We ate and as a family, we sang happy birthday, but right after we were off to the hospital. I started to wean myself off of my two months continuous percocet regimen. I knew how highly addictive this drug is but with the pain I was dealing with I really didn’t have a choice. I started to have reverse effects where I couldn’t sleep. On my birthday was the third day that I didn’t sleep and I seen my surgery sites starting to leak and had to go to the ER.
I can’t describe the mindset I was in. I will tell you it reminded me of something I have gone through in my youth days coming down on drugs. I was not in the right mindset. It reminded me how happy I am to be clean and sober. I never knew what type of withdrawals I would have but since the last surgery they removed most of the infection and the pain wasn’t as intense. I believed this was the time to do it.
In the hospital I had to have a one on one nurse closely monitor me because of my erratic behavior. What a way to spend a birthday! I never have gotten this bad. I have had my crazy moments from sleep deprivation but this time I seen the spiritual warfare happening. Something I can visually still remember in detail which I’ll have to write for another time. This is what I’m so grateful God saved me from. As I walk into this new year I am ready to share fully the testimony of what God has done in my life. How this is still a learning healing journey.
It’s amazing how the past could be intertwined in the present. That life is about growth and continued growth. So the “new 32” year will be interesting but a beginning of some new projects that I will mostly be doing from the comfort of my home. I need to be committed to this season of healing. I’m ready for my body to fully just take that time to heal, be replenished and my new kidney health can flourish! Most importantly, I’m ready to love, love, love like there’s no tomorrow! I’m ready to step up my care and nurturing for my family. They are my heart and what keeps me going. This is the reason I want to continue to better person, wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend. The most important roles God blessed me with!