Breaking Patterns in Life

This post has taken me a little long to write so it’s time to finish what I started. I already want to write about something different :-).  As I was going back and forth with writing I ran into some old post that I was happy to find. I think if you are a subscriber you may have gotten a few and probably was confused but look at the dates they are old. This may happen from time-to-time.  I unfortunately lost many of my old writings when I paid for web services but I thankfully I’m finding it saved in different places and every now and hopefully one day I’ll have it all back. These postings reminded me of the patterns in my life. The way I approached things were not so different. Faith has always been my means of reasoning. In some ways I think I was much eager in my approach, stronger in my words yet I do see the growth.

I was officially discharged from the hospital on April 5th. It has been a little different adjusting here at home but this is huge for this time of the year. About a week into my hospitalization I realized I was hospitalized just about the same time when my kidneys failed. Here I was going into acute kidney rejection; the same trial, test and uncertainty. I didn’t even want to mention it. I was already going through so much as it was with the treatments and being away that it was something I didn’t want to allow as a thought. Not to say it wasn’t there. What I do know is that I’ve already walked through so much since that time. Reading my last post reminded me of the same feelings I had. The week coming into Easter made me think about the sacrifice on the cross. I’m reminded by His stripes I am healed, that it is done, and I can’t keep bringing up my frustrations. It’s like asking him to get back on that cross. It is a choice to be angry in the discomfort or I can choose to find the blessing so I can be comforted. Now how do you find the blessing when you’re not feeling well and everything can seem so gleam? It’s something I think I’ve mastered throughout the years of disappointments. It doesn’t change that its a bridge that I still have to cross probably many times in this lifetime.

I have felt like enough is enough. I don’t want any repeats! There has been some significance with timing. Especially how the infection came back exactly one year later. Now here I was seven years later crossing a very familiar bridge yet again in my life with kidney rejection.

I knew I had to make a choiceto accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. Amen. (Serenity Prayer –Reinhold Niebuhr)

The Serenity prayer has been my motto for my life.  Something that would help me with each day. I can’t say enough how the Celebrate Recovery program has been huge with breaking patterns in my life. Now it takes circumstance such as what I just faced to put all those handy steps and tools in action. Lately it feels hard because I’m not active in ministry. Thank God right before this hospitalization I attended two meetings which I believe was preparation for this trail. I felt in my spirit that things were getting better. Even though I started to get sick in the hospital and not feeling so spiritual in those moments. I had to continue to ask for prayer; it’s all I know. There has been so many countless times that the power of prayer changed my circumstance and God becomes real. I had to declare healing regardless of what it looked like. That’s what faith is.

I prayed to come home by Easter. I told all the docs I wanted to be with my family by that weekend. I knew coming home would help my recovery. The minute they got the results that the antibody that was working against my kidney was filtered out by the treatments they started to plan for discharge. I was ecstatic, even though I still felt horrible; I got myself going and got ready for the day. Everything was set and a girlfriend of mine was ready to bring dinner. Even as she visited I was still battling the huge migraines that taunted me all that week.

The next day I got up migraine free and was able to do my hospital runs: labs & prescriptions. I was going to send my boys to represent for us to LA to be apart of my sister’s family baptism and birthday. It was a bit of a struggle since I did just come home. It’s their spring break and I wanted them to be able to enjoy their vacation as well. Being hospitalized over 2 weeks made the decision hard for us all. So we went back and forth and even thought maybe I could fly out but it was an impossibility. Litterally my treatments consisted of breaking down my immune system. As they removed the plasma good and bad, it would take some time to replenish new plasma to protect me. So I really can’t be around huge crowds and need to be masked up when I go out for a minimum of 8 weeks which now I’m at the half way point. Up until the last-minute the boys ultimately didn’t leave with my mom. It was hard because I know how at least their presence would have been for this special day.

Another post I just recently found: which was a celebration on Easter weekend five years ago. Talk about a significant time and date. I was two years into dialysis. I had renewed hope because my mom was close to finishing her live donor evaluation. My sister decided to dedicate her birthday as a fundraiser event in my honor to present my new foundation which was surrounded around my story. This was during a very rough time a couple of years into the dialysis life. We all felt that it was time for a breakthrough. Stability was something very hard to grasp which was another recurring theme at this time. Yet when I look back who would know that I would sustain so much more. I didn’t think then I could make it. Now fast forward to the present I’m writing yet again about my uncertainties in life and the certainties faith brings.

There is one thing I have learned is that I can’t change the circumstances but I sure can change my approach. Which I feel I’ve done well but know I can always grow to do better.

This is the pattern I seen in my life: full pledge faith-an obstacle+ faith+faith-set back+faith+faith+faith-trail+faith+faith+faith+faith+faith=Full redemption

The trail brings endurance which produces more faith which overall will bring full redemption. It’s promised! I will continue to walk though my life this way.  It’s something my writings and past post have shown me which is backed up by the wisdom God gives me in scripture.

James 1:3-4 “For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”

Galatians 6:9 “So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.”

Psalm:8-9 “Redemption does not come so easily, for no one can ever pay enough to live forever and never see the grave.”

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