I wish I was made of steel. But I do have some titanium in me so perhaps this will infuse all throughout. As much as I’ve dealt with pain it’s not fun to have 24-7. I’m still healing. Everything will take about a year to heal. I’m at the half way point. Today was one of those days where I was fragile and vulnerable. It started with a day set for multiple appointments. First up was X-ray, than labs, than to to spine specialist. I had the timing all set so I would get to my spinal appt early. Hubby’s not so thrilled; spending a day at the hospital is never fun. It didn’t make it easy when I came out in tears when I did labs. He gets upset seeing me this way but today I was a pincushion. 1 poke 2 poke 3 poke than finally a vein~ After the 2nd poke I was already in tears. It’s not that it hurts. Emotionally I’m just tired being a patient. I want a life outside of this.
I know it could be worse. I have to remember I’m blessed to still be breathing. Walking. Talking. It’s just sometimes I need to be vulnerable and have this time to go through the motions.
I believe a big part of healing comes from pain. Pain is what I’m feeling now. The spine specialist examine my back. They could feel the screws. More prominently in the area the pain is. “You don’t have much fat covering the screws,” doc says. He told me it could help if I gain weight. But I have just not in my back. They may decide to remove it if it continues to cause problems. They will have to wait at least another 5 months which will make it a year from the time of surgery.
Until than I have to manage the pain. They tell me exercise is fine. Walking is fine. Even running. As long as I can handle it. I tell them about my goal of participating in the transplant games and I get the green light from them too.
I’m going to go because of all this. I don’t want all this to define me. I won’t let it change who I am. When God gives me a vision to do something I’m going for it.
I may not be made of steel but I’m still created for purpose.
Your aspiration is your motivation,
your motivation is your belief,
your belief is your peace,
your peace is your target,
your target is heaven,
and life is like hard core torture without it!
~shared in an email by a dear friend of mine love it