My family has lost another loved one. This time it’s on my mom’s side. My Uncle who was married to my mom’s sister. We spent time with them yesterday. They ordered the Pacquiao vs. Bradley fight and the family all gathered (just to note was one of the saddest fights in history). It was very hard to see my aunt so distraught trying to keep her composure. I knew it wasn’t going to be an easy setting. Even though we were gathering to watch a fight there was an underlining reason why we were all together. I can’t even imagine the feeling. They were married for 27 years many of those years they were retired, so they were rarely apart.
I have the privilege of making my uncle’s funeral program. I actually have created programs for several beloved family members whom had passed away. I say it’s a “privilege” because I’m apart of capturing the celebration of their life and sharing their story. It’s of course never easy and tears are shed in the process. A loss is a loss and grieving is apart of it.
I do have faith though in the after life. As I’ve had my own close calls I had my own experiences of the closeness to heaven. Which has brought a strong confidence that there is something greater than this life. I have felt selfish at times to want to already be there in this peaceful place. But God has made it clear that it’s just not my time. I have so much to still to live for. There is much work to be done for his kingdom here on earth. It’s how I see it now. I’m only here by his grace. Not by luck. Not by chance. Everyday is a miracle! When I say I want to store my treasures in heaven I mean I want to live a life full of purpose. I want to bring the good news of this promise. That there is more than this life here after.
Every year since my transplant between me and my husband we have had many loved ones pass on. We are apart of that mourning process but we mourn on a second, third… account. I only can imagine to mourn on a first account. Meaning that it’s a personal loss. When you shared your life with someone who is very much apart of your daily life and then they are gone. It’s like relearning to live again. It’s never easy thought to see this promise of eternity when it hurts so much. It’s always hard to understand.
Before I went to my aunt’s house we went to watch a friend share his testimony. He shared breaking free from the cycle of violence that ultimately lead to jail or death. He felt he had no promise to life because it was all he knew. He than shares how he found freedom in jail. Even though he was still locked up he finally found a way to be free. I have been in my Christian walk for most of my life. A part of that time I drifted and wanted to find my own way. I remember the emptiness I continued to try to fill. No matter what I couldn’t fill it. It felt so hopeless that I didn’t think life could get better than what the circumstances were at the time.
God has this way to put things in front of you to remind you of your purpose. I guess at that time it be someone who has lived way too much life way to fast, just like me. That person would be my future husband. Today is our 16 year dating anniversary. Of course we were teenagers so dating didn’t mean dinner and a movie. But we had a friendship that grew. We have a funny story of how we met. We were apart of a high school program called opportunity. Which was a class room on the side of the school for the bad kids. I came in the middle of the year and he would be the first person I would run into. He immediately tried to pick up on me and I shot him down. He than told me I had a big fo’ head and I wasn’t all that (word to word interpretation). That set the tone for what being in this class with him would be like. This class had constant counseling sessions and workshops. Which gave me an “opportunity” to learn and connect with that guy and I could remember there was something about him but didn’t know it then.
After that school year I left that school and would return about a year later after my parents divorced. This time to an alternative high school called Liberty. Here I would run into “that obnoxious guy” but this time we would be friends and start hanging out. There was always something about that guy and I would soon find out how genuine he was as he helped his single mom raise his 3 younger siblings and they were young. Officially June 10th, 1996 we became a couple after discussing that we might as well just make it official. This time we were at a point in our lives that we wanted to make changes. The rest is history… Now I spent half my life with this man.
It takes me back to my aunt and uncle’s marriage and what she is feeling and why I can’t comprehend the thought. I know I casually can tell my husband that I want him to not be mad or upset if my health gets the best of me and my time was up but it easily could be the other way. A thought I don’t even want to put in my mind frame but it’s just something we just don’t have control of.
There’s just no easy answer to mourning. I only could understand firsthand what it feels to mourn losing your health. That too is a process and still today I just have to take it day by day. Each day though I’m breathing gives hope for that day and just enough to remember the promise for tomorrow.
For now friends all I could say is let’s celebrate life and love while it’s here~
A Time For Everything Under the Heavens
To be born and to die
To plant and to uproot
To kill and to heal
To tear down and to build
To weep and to laugh
To mourn and to dance
To scatter stones and to gather them
To embrace and to refrain
To search and to give up
To keep and to throw away
To tear and to mend
To be silent and to speak
To love and to hate
For war and for peace