The last couple days was appropriate to just pause to reflect on everything. As I’ve shared before these past couple years it seemed like we’ve lost so many loved ones. It almost feels déjà vu; Grieving, memories, love, support and a reunion. Just 2 months after my kidney transplant we lost a great-aunt, month following another aunt, then our grandmother and then another uncle. Than this past week my uncle. This is was all along my own personal health battles coming in and out of the hospital. I had to take a couple of days to just reflect on all that my family has personally gone through. I don’t know if there has really been time to process everything; dealing from one emotion after the next.
Yesterday spending time with family made me thankful just to be there. Healthy and able. Just only months ago having my kidney rejection scare. When I say déjà vu, I’ve had these same moments. Just to even be able to be apart of this time was more than I could ask for even if it’s being apart of mourning. You would think I could opt out of being apart of this but there were so many times I just wasn’t able not out of choice. Just sitting there in the presence of family. Taking it all in, the grief, the love and the memories. It’s hard to explain my point of view but I was seeing myself just taking it all in. I didn’t return text messages, or check my Facebook or even think about my commitment to posting for that day. I just wanted to experience and feel.
Aside of this there has been some personal family drama outside of everything that has come to a boiling point. It’s hard to write about this without saying too much but I do want share because it’s apart of me sharing my life journey. I was pretty upset about this certain family member not coming to the memorial services when this person was more than able to be there. “This person” has been my biggest challenge for most of my life. Here I am trying to stay in the moment of thankfulness but there is grief that is there. I’ve felt that this was under control and I was walking out forgiveness but this situation has replayed itself. It’s like a wound that has healed that had reopened again. This situation just brought to light, a problem that is there and no matter what is done different it still has the same results.
“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.” ~Galatians 6:1
In an earlier blog I wrote that, I was going to choose to stand in love and I also mentioned how I live life with no expectations because it’s a set up for disappointment because we are all not perfect. Well these are the moments that make it difficult. But I have gone through the recovery steps and my own personal recovery and it’s in these times I need to depend on all the tools I’ve learned more than ever. There is a forgiveness I have to stay accountable to. I know how important it’s for me to keep moving forward. So this statement will remain true to my life.
I have walked away from this situation without trying to control the outcome. I will choose to love regardless of how hard it is. Even though wounds has its way to reopen it “ALWAYS” can heal again. My family has all been challenged by this situation. Last year when “the boiling point” abrupt we had cops and Pastors at our house. Not this time around. There is really peace now and I could say we all have come a long way.
I realize my point of view is the way it is because of all we’ve gone through. I don’t know nothing else but to be there as those have been there for me. To have no expectation is always a hard deal to walk out. What do you gain from that? For me I gain life. I gain another day because I know the effects it does on the soul and the body not letting go of hurt. It’s self affliction and I can’t afford another wound than what I already have to physically carry. If I’m going to show a love that is unconditional that means there is no exception. This person I will always love but sometimes loving from a distance is necessary. .
It sure has been challenging to rejoice in the gift of life that was given to me. If you can only imagine all that has occurred through this time carrying my gift. It hasn’t been easy but we really dealt head on with every emotion that came our way. There was no ducking and dodging. We experienced every stone that was casted, every word that was said, every occasion we were able to be apart of, and the time that was with us.
We are living life to the fullest with no regrets. I have to continue to walk this. It’s for my health and the legacy I want to live in my life