The Dungeon

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Today I visit a familiar place. Somewhere I could only hope I never had to return to. These steps lead to the infusion center which is made up of patients needing intravenous medications, blood/ plasma infusions etc… It is known as the dungeon since the clinic is tucked beneath the the hospital in the basement.  Not too many people know it’s even there. I’ve walked this stairwell many times before. Weak, fragile and fresh out of surgeries. Dragging a wound vac throughout most of that time. With no choice and no other direction to go. This path was the only way I was able to exist at that time. Tears of frustration with very little hope. The dungeon represents not only transfusions but my years of dialysis. It was the only hope for a tomorrow. Regardless of the pain, each stick of a needle or a heavy intravenous medication. This was the only way.

Walking the stairwell was different now. I am stronger and have a glimmer of new hope. Nurses greet me with hugs and they are happy to see how far I’ve come. They could remember how frail and broken I was. They became my counselors and the other patients were my support group. Just like the dialysis schedule the intravenous medication took 3-4 hours to administer 3 days a week. This is where I started to write. Today I’m here for just an hour and I’m typing my post with one hand. I’m certainly here on different terms. As I mentioned in another post my red blood cells dropped significantly. They contemplated a blood transfusion but since I have high antibodies they wanted to try IV iron medication first. It was just yesterday I graduated and removed my PICC line. Something that was a pain to manage but it saved me from getting poked.  Oh how I dread that poke. As the nurse looks for veins I point the 2 areas that faithfully give access. Even though she wants to go in my forearms I tell her the veins always roll. The years of accessing my needles has challenged my vascular system. Veins are hardened and weak. I’ve become a master of my own domain.

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I’m replaying what the past summers have been. When infection put a hold of the promise of my new life my kidney transplant gave me. Each decision I make now is with the thought to avoid this vicious pattern. I yet to have my break. I know my medical team has to keep my weekly labs going because they don’t want no repeats. I have watched my labs like a hawk. I already can see when something’s not right. I already knew to expect the call. It’s disappointing yet I know the drill. As much as I want things to be smooth sailing; I must always be ready. I know how it is for things to change overnight. That’s why each minute, hour and day counts. Life is truly a gift…

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As tired as I get I must never forget. That I am who I am for serving my time in the dungeon. I know freedom always come. God has taught me so much through my tortuous days. He’s teaching me so much through my glorious days. As I walk these familiar steps in this journey I know I’m in a different place. As much as this place can be haunting. It’s a place I mark as a remembrance of all that God has done. There is no other way to explain how I go on. How I even comprehend. But life goes on and I can never forget…

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10 thoughts on “The Dungeon

  1. God Bless you Maribel, your journey and story is so touching I have tearing rolling down my face reading this. I truly pray with all my heart that you will be restored to full health as fast as possible. My mum is going in to surgery on Friday next week to have CAPD dialysis tube put back in, although she has had a great 9 and half years with a successful transplanted kidney things have changed for the worst.

    Please keep on writing and talking and praying to Him, you are a inspiration and your story touches many lives, people you may never meet on this earth but you will in eternity and He will never forget the impact you have on others here and now.

    Keep on going, you are an amazing women, mother, wife and person created in God’s image.

    God Bless xxx

    Tracey

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    1. Dear Tracey, Thank you for such a heartwarming comment and to share a tear with me. I’m so sorry to hear the news that your mum has to get back on Dialysis. I will say CAPD is the best option of dialysis if you can do it. My health was much more stable doing PD. Praise God for the 9 wonderful years with her kidney transplant. I pray she can get another one soon! I will keep sharing and you do as well. We all have the power to bless and I’m just a fragment of God’s grace. The lifesaving journey is to speak life into the atmosphere and I look forward to that day that I can rejoice in eternity. This is only the beginning.

      I will keep mum in my prayers! Oh I would love to go to New Zealand maybe one day!

      Blessing,

      Maribel

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      1. Thanks Maribel, your an inspiration
        God Bless xxx

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  2. Your courage is moving and awakening. It is so apparent you live out the faith and love of God every day of your life… it is such a great testimony to the world around you. Praying for you.

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    1. Thank you Kristen, I’m thankful that light is still shines even when I’m in the dungeon. That’s the power of His spirit. “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”~John 1:5 Blessings to you today!

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  3. My heart just cries reading this post Maribel. Yes – the Dungeon …. you have done your time, and have emerged with more spirit and vitality than anyone could ever imagine. I know the place, the fear, the coldness, the uncertainty…feels almost like another planet…one you wonder if you will ever be able to leave when you are in the midst of it. Yes – a gift I agree… you inspire and you heal…. you are a Divine soul Maribel.. I admire you so… xo

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  4. Robyn, as always your comments to me speak to my heart. It’s that soul connection we share. You are a truly divine soul and I’m so thankful for all the life you speak into me. Blessings to you my soul sister~

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