My first month committing to posting each day has come to an end. Here we are in a new month and I’m encouraged to continue this journey in writing. I’m wondering if I should change my commitment to at least posting each week since it’s been a challenge. But I think I want to continue to have a goal of writing each day. Even though I’ve already failed the first day of this month. I wished I started when I was bedridden for months but that time of healing consisted of days staring into the abyss. The only thing I could focus on was getting through each day. As each day passed and my energy increased my outlook would become better. I would post periodically and even found strength to purge words while I was in the hospital. Little by little I found my way to start writing again.
In June of last year I changed my web hosting which I used WP blogging feature it had. I had a regular website for about 2 months until I realized I kept updating and changing just as much as you would do in a blog. As much as things were changing the more information I was adding. Friends and family totally supported my efforts. I soon realized the WP features didn’t work so well with the web hosting services. I first lost my writing after an update. I also decided I know longer needed the small business features. I was mainly using the website to share my story. I somehow managed to save some things and I officially moved everything to WP’s free blogging services in June of last year. Still maintaining my domain. I never familiarized myself with the blogging community the wonderful WP reader. Soon I would find a couple follows here and there. It wasn’t until April I dug a little deeper. I was fresh out of the hospital and started to write a little more often. The more I did the more subscribers I got and it “FINALLY” introduced me to the world of blogging.
Last month I committed to post each day. It was my official month cleared from a critical period where my immune system was at its most weakest. This was after the heavy treatments for the kidney transplant rejection I had. I sure was ready to get on with life but I wanted to stay accountable to healing. What better way but to share each day and pulling memories from the past and inspirations for that day. Soon enough I emerged myself in this creative outlet and be inspired by all the blogs I would run into along the way. My experience would even be more rewarding with several blogging nominations. I couldn’t stop thinking about writing but life would have its way. After all I was still healing and coming out of a traumatic experience. I was dealing with every emotion as it came and poured each experience into writing. I found that my words would always be balanced by reflecting on the blessing. Therefore I kept moving along the process of healing.
This reminded me how I’ve always written most of my life. I don’t know who gave me my first diary but I could still remember that this was the place I would share my deepest secrets. I also learned to pray through my writing as I started to address god instead of “Dear Diary“. It would go something like this, “Dear God, I’m so tired of fighting with my brother. He’s annoying, make him go away!” I never knew how much it would heal my little heart at the time but it always helped. My mom gave me a computer from her work that no longer fully functioned when I was a teenager. I was able to type on it and would spend many sleepless nights while my mind was racing a mile a minute. Through the deepest valleys of addiction would I type a delirium of nonsense. I wished I printed up those writings. But again another release and an outlet to make sense of why I was numbing the pain.
As far as I could remember I put pen to paper and I wanted to record every memory. In my later teen years I couldn’t live without a planner. I still have a few and would also record what I did each day and even write in my little prayers. I even recorded each day of my relationship with my now husband. I still have this unfinished planner and those memories so dear I can’t throw it away. I wrote in EVERY season of life. I believe this is how I processed life. How I made sense of everything. I know I’ve done this for many years for myself but I’m found to do this also for others.
I have recently had a new health challenge which has been nerve wrecking. I’m so close to celebrating life at the transplant games. To have some red flags on my labs is scary. My mind can take over in these times and this is when I need to tap into my faith more than ever. This past Sunday I had another breaking point. Me and the hubby hit a wall and I think every emotion that we fought hard to go through together just had its way. We just realized things are just not the same. We debated about hosting the yearly 4th of July block party and went back and forth. But nothing is the same this year. I remember fighting through pain last year just to keep the tradition going. I was hesitant to push myself this year especially as we planned for the Transplant Games. It really hit us both that we have to be wise in all of our decisions. That things are different and we actually came to terms that it was okay for us to not do it this year. I also have my sister’s family coming to stay with us for a couple weeks so we been so busy getting our house together.
We are alive and well and have to stive for something much deeper than just keeping up with our way of life. The only life we know to live. We are learning as we are going. But want to be wise so we can continue to live the best way we possibly can. In the midst of my breakdown which started at church on Sunday. One of my spiritual mamas who really came aside me during my many hosptilzations gave me a healing charm. It was one she held onto during her own healing battles. This was my “God Kiss” reminding me that we are on the right path. That we are following the healing journey that is already set for us.
I thank you all for coming along side of me during the experience of blogging and healing. I have already learned so much from my little commitment I’m making. I look forward to continue share my life saving journey…