As I sat in the pharmacy while my hubby waited in line for me. I couldn’t help but think this is how life is for me. It feels like I’m still waiting my turn. I’m constantly waiting… Waiting to heal… Waiting on dialysis… Waiting for an appointment… Waiting to feel better… Waiting for the good days… Waiting for the next miracle… In the meantime I’m trying to do my best to live life as if I’m not waiting. Living for the day at hand. However, pain will have its way to reveal the uncertainty of this life. Especially while walking through it. It’s very consuming; It can consume your energy and your thoughts.
We typically try to take care of as much as we can when we make a trip to the hospital. It usually requires lots of patience. I took care of much-needed paperwork including a “permanent disability” placard . It made me sad to think about and even accept. I know this permanence doesn’t defy me and my life. Even though it affects so much of it. I’ve tried to combat much of this frustration in writing in this blog. Declaring my healing and positivity. Please know half the time I do this I’m constantly convincing the negativity that can come from my pain, toxic overload and disappointments. Looking at what’s good but be realistic with the situation. I know with the new pains can only be telling me that the years fighting my health challenges is taking its toll. I have had a constant mild pain in all my joints. I’m already being tested for early onset of arthritis and bone disease.
As hard as the days have been, I still get up and get ready. I love fashion and style. This is my chronic warrior style. Most of the time people don’t even know I’m sick. Getting ready and fixing myself has always helped with how I felt. It can take longer but as long as I’m accomplishing it; it’s rewarding. I learned more about “the spoon theory” connecting with others battling different chronic illnesses.
The spoon theory is a model used by some disabled people and people with chronic illness to describe their everyday living experience when their disability or illness results in a reduced amount of energy available for productive tasks. Spoons are an intangible unit of measurement used to track how much energy a person has throughout a given day. Each activity “costs” a certain number of spoons, which might not be replaced until the next day. A person who runs out of spoons loses the ability to do anything other than rest. One of the tenets of the spoon theory is that disabled or ill people must plan their activities to ensure that every day is manageable, while healthy people have a “never-ending supply of spoons” and thus never need to worry about running out. Because healthy people do not feel the impact of spending spoons, they may not realize that chronically ill or disabled people’s considerations include mundane tasks such as bathing and getting dressed. Spoons are widely discussed within the autoimmune, disabled and other communities, but the concept of spoons is otherwise considered a neologism. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory)
You can say, me and my dear friend Sky are spoonies. Our ailments are different but the challenges are the same. We have gone through many recovery seasons together. We were both in leadership at Celebrate Recovery at our church. A Christ centered recovery program. Where we learned to heal from the inside out. Focusing on the root issues of life’s hurts, habits and hangups. I think everyone can benefit from taking time for inner/outer healing. To learn why we are; who we are and confront everything that may be holding you back. With my chronic illnesses and recent new pain, I see myself applying all I’ve learned at Celebrate Recovery and being a “spoonie”; taking it one day at a time or one spoon at a time. We haven’t been able to be in leadership or involved for a couple of years now. For me my health challenges and for Sky came a new season in motherhood. It was nice to catch up and start some new blogging goals.
We are now planning on meeting and connecting weekly. We’ve learned to be great accountability partners in life and now in our writing and blogging endeavours. We both realized the time is now. Just recently, I started to learn more about blogging and taking it to the next level. It can be overwhelming so having accountability helps! For years I used this blog mainly to share and advocate but it’s also been a place for me to share life stories. I am now considered permanently disabled at the age of thirty-five. Just like any thirty something I want to keep accomplishing in this life.
“Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might” – Ecclesiasties 9:10
Right now its my hands, my thoughts, my fight and my story. I decided it was time to start sharing all my life experience and create an online memoir that one day could be a book.
While I’m waiting in line for my turn. I must be patient with the process and keep learning, sharing, growing and moving forward; even if it is slowly. I look forward to this new season in healing and blogging.
Thanks for waiting with me,