This is basically how I felt yesterday after my dialysis treatment. It started as a good morning and even came in ten minutes early. It was the first time in a while that they weren’t ready for me. The only times I’ve waited was because a patient needed medical attention or they had a new patient orientation.
We waited 40 minutes before I started my treatment. I let it go figuring there was a good reason and didn’t even bother to ask why. I got through my treatment and even had my hubby with me for most of the time. He leaves when they disconnect me from the machine because it’s policy that he isn’t there when they unhook me. Once he seen my nurse he packed everything up as he always does. Than my nurse walked away. I seen her with a new patient several seats down. So I assumed this was why I was waiting.
10 minutes… 20 minutes… 30 minutes passed… That’s how long it took before I started to get inpatient. I sit in the corner at the end of the unit because I’ve been so prone to sickness. I’ve gotten a few lingering viruses from a couple of patients. I also have my caregiver/husband that sits with me during treatment. My unit changed their guest policy but that wasn’t happening in my situation. I had to special request Daniel to be there under special circumstances.
He has been my eyes and voice especially on the days that I’m not doing well. When I finally got one of the dialysis tech’s attention they told the nurse that I was waiting. When she finally came over she told me she didn’t know I was off. That I was forgotten and all I needed to do is use the call light. Something I never use.
I couldn’t hold back tears and told her, “I am a patient and all I do is have patience.”
This piggy backs to what I last posted, Waiting in Long Lines. You just learn to patiently wait your turn. In that moment I felt like I lost my voice or was I crazy and didn’t see her come to me? I didn’t have Daniel by my side to help me advocate. He is so good at questioning and remembering everything especially when I don’t have the energy to. If he was there he would’ve already been frustrated and sure would’ve said something.
One thing this life has taught me is how to be patient. So much so that I’ve become patient with just about everything. This has been the perfect balance being a team with my hubby. Because he doesn’t have much of it especially if he hasn’t slept (Which was another concern of mine–The hubby had no sleep that day). We balance each other in this way.
Once they unhooked me I rushed out of there in tears. Daniel was already getting upset and asking me if he wanted me to say something. All I wanted to do was leave. I had every crazy thought in that moment. I was almost unreasonable and felt like going off on someone. My old nature probably would’ve but now I just cry out of frustration. It honestly is energy I no longer want to waste.
I’ve been broken down in so many ways and I have found a lot strength in that. However, there is another side that is very vulnerable and very tired. You may have heard the saying, “I’m tired of being tired.” It’s all of that. I don’t feel this all the time but something like this can trigger all these feelings.
I had a good cry yesterday and it took a long time for me to stop. I felt like I was crying for everything that has happened in the past year; maybe couple years. I probably get these mini melt downs at least once after a long recovery season. It’s different now because I could feel the pain more deeper in my bones. The aches are longer and pain hasn’t resolved.
I mentioned in past post new symptoms from battling complete kidney failure, dialysis and valley fever. My liver numbers are up so I’m refusing to take the narcotics they prescribed me. I mainly depend on natural treatments that only can help so much. I’m in constant prayer from the time I wake and the time I sleep. God is giving me daily portion and it has been enough.
Daniel helped calm me down. When I got negative and started blurting out crazy stuff he helped me remember that it was just a bad day. That it was going to pass just like every other bad day I’ve ever had. After that good cry I slept like a baby. Just to wake up at midnight.
I knew I needed to get to the Mighty Warrior Bible Study the next morning. These sleepless nights makes morning studies hard to get too. I was determined after the kind of day I’ve had. In this study it teaches:
Believe >> Actions >> Results
This is the basics in how to counteract the physical life with the spiritual life. To believe and walk out that belief and expect results. Basically be watchful for the temporary things in life and focus on the permanent. Combating all the negative with the positive truths that is actual weapons against the principles of darkness.
I understand darkness well. I have lived it and have been comfortable with it for many of my younger days. Until I realized life with the birth of my son and the family I was blessed with. I started to understand its beauty and no longer wanted to resonate in the comforts of a past tense life. I wanted to live for present and the future. I’ve been in pursuit ever since. It only became more real when my health started to fail.
This study has been timely yet again. It helped me last year dealing with the same battle. I’ve done everything to change all the negative to positive things in my life. It became more challenging with my sickness but God gave me a strength I never knew I had until I became a patient.
Patient means the ability to tolerate delays, problems or sufferings without becoming annoyed or anxious. This all takes incredible patience.
Today, as we studied how these mighty people in the Bible faced incredible trials and triumphed by pushing through. Counteracting it all with God’s promises on their lives. We all have a promise. Sometimes it is hard to see. What I love most about these stories is the example of our humanity against spirituality. They had to face rejection, they had questions and constantly asked for direction and a sign.
I don’t know what your beliefs are but I’m sure you can understand this to some capacity. I understood this the day my flesh started to weaken and my spirit had to carry me. It has carried me for all these years. You have an awareness that only a broken body (brokeness) can make you feel and see. I recognize this trait (strength) in many people facing health problems and unimaginable situations. Everyday you have to chose between life and death-positivity or negativity-love or hate.
I am continuing to learn to be patient with the process. This is what it is to fight the good fight and be a mighty warrior. To always remember the truths in your life. In a moment things can feel all bad. I can attest just a day later I feel more promise than I had yesterday.
Keep fighting the good fight warriors in life,