Recovery is still going and going.. Now going full force with tackling the valley fever. Unfortunately, it’s a waiting game; good days & bad days. Good days I get up and going, possibly go out, pain is bearable and I’m feeling good. Bad days I don’t know how to get up, pain feels intense and I feel like crap. I know this is just apart of healing but the days can feel so slow. I feel unproductive and know I’m going through the blues. I am familiar with this because it just comes with the territory of not feeling well. When physical changes are happening the emotions come along with it. I fight this by trying my best to keep positive but its hard, and this new thing I’m trying to embrace in this season of rest can seem so dim at times. I won’t allow it though. I got way too much to be fighting for. I know God is with me and even in times He feelss so far I know He’s there. Constantly reminding me that I am blessed, it could be much worse and I got to keep going.
I don’t believe life is meant to be easy; With all the modern conveniences I don’t feel it truly helps. People are meant to stay active, in relationship and striving for purpose. I think this is where I’m getting stuck. What has been my biggest challenge is especially in a season rest (or what feels like a drought). It’s been a couple of weeks that I gave up facebook. One of my biggest distractions. It’s hard because I like to stay in touch. I mainly did this because my boys pointed out how they can’t get my attention when I’m on my handy-dandy smart phone. Secondly, I’m trying hard to focus! However, I am still really bad on the phone, managing my finances on my handy app, counting calories, reading and texting. So I now flat on try to leave my phone on the charger and walk away.
As far as pain goes, the 2 main sites that was sutured is slowly healing. My neck often feels stiff. I believe my lymph node is swollen (webmd diagnosis). My arm is better but the incision is scary. I have to dress it again because of a recent water blister (There goes my lovely showers). My right leg is having issues. I am writing the docs and they are telling me to give myself some time to heal. In the meantime I don’t know what’s what. My family is scared for me to be out. Fear I tell you, has to rebuked in my household. It’s hard though when circumstance can test your faith. I know very well that fear is the opposite of faith. So this is where I’m asking God please intervene. He has done this before and I have all the faith He will come through for us all again.
So I am taking some little steps in faith. Doing what I can with PTA until they find a new treasurer. I’m glad these ladies are my friends because they have grace for what I cannot do. I finally attended one of Marquez’s baseball games. Daniel and I had official alone time even though it consisted of us driving around town. I took my first drive out-of-town to visit family. I have attended church 2 weeks in a row. Started up Celebrate Recovery and even made it to a Wednesday study. Oh can’t forget I finally started cooking again and driving. Just typing this all makes me see that there is some productivity. Even if it doesn’t feel like it or not what I’m used to. I need grace for myself that I am doing what I can. Nothing more and nothing less.
I must continue to embrace the hardship because I know God is continuing to build me up. I know God’s plans are not on hold but is in process. I have to see that this time I’m taking is valuable to what lies ahead…